Love’s Chronicles – Entry #82: You Are Love
I was reading through one of my journals last night and I found an entry about a guy I had broke up with and I quote…
I never felt so strongly before, now there has been strong lusting before, I’m woman enough to know the difference, theres been deep love before but not both…he’s the only guy since my ex husband that I actually journaled about….THAT’S HUGE and I also had written poems to the One and no man had ever read them and I was so confident he was the one i let him, only him, read it
I wish he’d just tell me he was playing me or something but this not knowing kills me so I busy myself so I won’t think about him and had a moment of reflection today and wham
Wow this single thing is something else in 11yrs of marriage I wasn’t happy but I was safe lol this is haaaaard o my gosh
You would think I was talking about how I felt about Leo, my last Love affair, but noooo, I am talking about a guy who…
- put me out of his house for something I didn’t do,
- had me praying that he didn’t come into the room, when I refused to sleep with him one night, and shoot me in the head with his shotgun
- nicely told me I was ugly,
- left me on the side of the road long away from home and on my own,
- setup a damn sting operation to catch me in a lie which he couldn’t and later apologized for
- rolled my hand up in a damn car window when i refused to smell his fart
- and would pass by me and fart in my face.
And I read these intense feelings I had for him AFTER all of this happened, and I simply said…Wow Asherah Amyas..its you.
To my defense, lol, I haven’t been in many relationships at all. I was with my husband since I was a teenager so I really didn’t know much of anything about anything, I really didn’t. Most of what I should of experienced in my twenties or as a teenager, I am just experiencing now in my thirties. My mother never talked to me about relationships or sex or anything for that matter, she figured if I didn’t know I wouldn’t partake. Its what her mother taught her so she taught me the same way…with silence. In not knowing anything about everything, my slate was clean and lord the men I have allowed in to write the story…smh. Seeing this hopelessness and desperation in myself woke me up to what I was experiencing. Every single time and with every single jerk, I was projecting the Love I had inside of me onto them. They could do something that was so crazy and I’d turn that shit into gold plated Love, have it sparkling and project it back on to them. I guess they were like, “Damn, can I do anything to shake this woman”…lmao. Wow. What I felt had nothing to do with them, and in about 98% of the cases they were doing nothing to project the same intensity back at me. So who was I really in Love with? Wish I had a bomb-dropping sound affect for that one.
I think its key for any woman who has an intense desire to Love to be very careful about projecting your Love onto another person. I’d imagine this happens with women who felt they were unLoved growing up and instead of focusing all that intense Love energy onto themselves, we focus on making sure that everyone else feels the Love we didn’t feel as a child. We overcorrected. We say things like, “I Love you unconditionally” to justify cruel and abusive behavior. We will constantly and consistently attract this type of love until we wake. the. fuck. up and realize that the Love that we so deserve is within and all we need to do is realize it. I’d imagine then we wouldn’t talk about finding a man to Love us because we’d have all we needed in the first place. We’d attract people who Love themselves and know how to Love you…but it won’t be a requirement.
Now that I look back through all of my relationships, not ONE of them Loved me as well as I deserved. They Loved me as best they could because I can only imagine they didn’t know how to Love themselves so how could they possibly Love me the way I deserved? How could they possibly care about my hurt or pain when they care little for their own? Loving in such way makes everything conditional. Relationships will be filled with lies, dishonesty (there is a difference from a lie), unforgivingness, abandonment, abuse on all levels and for someone who wants to now Love the world, the response is always going to be, I Love you. And we do. But just now I fully realize, Loving them doesn’t have to make a fool out of me. I don’t know, perhaps Jesus should of told everyone to go fuck themselves.
Leave A Comment