I manifested another Gemini into my life, my mother is an inquisitive Gemini so I knew the connection would be interesting. I’ll call him, Fox. We met a few weeks ago, beautiful man with eyes that just melt your soul but I digress, when we do speak, we have such insightful conversations and this night was no different. We talked for hours and he brought me to the realization that I never truly learned how to be a “sister” to my friends. Simply by asking me all the right questions I had my “Aha Moment”.

For all of my friends, I hope they know that if they need me, no matter how long its been since I’ve called or they’ve called me, that I will be there for them. It may not of been how they wanted me to or when they wanted me to but I have always been there. But with almost all of them, I felt I was never able to really speak freely about how I felt about things. As long as it was in support of how they felt, everything would go just fine. If I dare say or do anything outside what was expected as a “sister”, it was a problem. I remember saying to one of my ex-friends that I felt she treated me differently when she was around her other friends than when we were alone. I even said that if she didn’t feel it was true to not claim it and let me deal with my own healing. She cursed me flat out, deleted me out of her life and took her children with her lol. I was like, “Well damn.” I must say I have had some tumultuous relationships with women and for a good part of my life I hated them until I realized, “Wow if you hate women, how do you feel about yourself?” Then I started to shift and become more accepting, so I thought…

And here comes this man, opening up a box I thought was closed and now I know I never really learned what it means to be a “sister” to these women. How could I be? Not many had been that type of sister to me so I had no point of reference. And actually, the women who I actually bonded with, at a soul level, were not even the same race as I was :-/. We black women go through alot we need MAJOR healing. We go through so much hurt and pain that its hard for us to open up. We are all sisters, but I just feel we black women get hurt harder and much deeper than others do and we have had to, out of necessity, gain a harder outer shell. With me however, I always said I couldn’t let this world change me and stop me from Loving. As much as it fucking HUUUUUUUURTS, I have to keep on Loving. And even though you have to Love some from afar, I could not let myself be hardened. With my sisters of a different race, I could cry and be open, with sisters the same race as I? I cried too much or was looked at as a punk lol. We go HARD and we know we do. And we deserve to have the same loving relationships. We deserve to be all soft and pink and open as other women. But thats impossible when we won’t let our guards down and I know Ive been unconsciously guilty of that on many occasions.

So speaking with Fox, I started to think about how I grew up. I never really had girlfriends or talked on the phone. I was a bit of a loner and that was fine with me, the only person I had to worry about was myself. But no person is an island, so I had to learn to “get along”. And I would be pleasant, helpful, loving but when it came to the hair braiding, slumber party type sisterhood I always had my head cocked to the side like…”huh?” How could I learn to be the person they wanted me to be when I never had that experience for myself? I didn’t talk on the phone much and when I did it was mostly to guys, I never really was a girly-girl until now because each time I would get into my moms clothes, jewelry or perfumes she would scold me and tell me to stay out of her stuff lol. So I never really got that girlfriend/sisterhood type experience and I honestly don’t even know where to even begin to heal that part of myself.

Now my mom asks why I never call, but we never really talked when I was around so I don’t even know how to even start to have girl talk with my mom when it was strictly professional for so long. Its like learning how to be girlfriends with a prison warden lol. Not to say she was that strict but I hope you get what Im saying. I Love her (my mom) how I know how, I try to be there when she needs me, I give her money, help her out but girl talk? I have to cock my head to the side. Now that this has shifted back into my lap, perhaps I need to look more into this, and maybe it will show me that I need to be more patient in my friendships, more understanding instead of just disregarding them when I feel they “act out”. I don’t know. I can’t even pretend I know the answers to all of these questions, all I know is that I am aware of how my past experiences contributed to the type of relationships I have with women.

So until I learn better, all I can do is continue to assure my friends that they are in my heart and let them know I am still here even though we may not speak as often. With baby steps, eventually we will help to heal each other. Perhaps they can help me to experience their type of sisterhood and they will be able to be more understanding to a sister who doesn’t have a clue as to what that “sisterhood” actually means. For now all I can do is Love those in my life the best way I know how.