Being triggered is a funny thing. It’s as if some part of you rises up, tells the logical side of you to have a seat and it goes off and does it’s thing, usually raising hell, then when it’s done it falls back, content with its handy work…but guess whose got to pick up the pieces? You.Today I went OFF on D, My Sweetest Thing, and unfortunately for him it felt so good to release that. For all the times I wasn’t a priority to him, which has been all the time, for all the times I couldn’t call but he could, for all the times he called and reached out only when it was convenient, for all the times I wanted to move on but he enticed me to stay, for all the times I wanted to spend time with him and he chose someone else, for all the times I wanted us to make plans and…whoa I’m tearing up…and he said no because his girl would be there, for all the times that his girl bailed on him after he bailed on me and I still made myself available, for all the times I wanted him to spend the night and didn’t, for the time he gave me a few fleeting moments and said he wanted to go rafting with a female friend of mines and never asked me, for all the times I longed for him, called to him, cried for him and got absolutely nothing…I went off…or she went off…over perhaps we both went off . I promised him I’d never hurt him and in that moment I wanted blood for all the times I sacrificed myself and feelings for him. I tried to draw blood and it was sweet and I feel a little bad because of it.
Someone once told me that a man can never do anymore than what you let him do and it’s so very true. Lord knows I have accepted the smallest things in exchange for my heart. I don’t have anyone to blame but myself. I have been so abnormally accommodating. Take Tank for instance, I mean who accepts a man calling her in so many words a fat masturbating whale, and you still find Love in your heart to help him setup his business website before you leave? Who does that? Me and I can’t do it anymore…I’m hurting myself so severely that I don’t even know how much so…but I know somewhere I am just killing my spirit. (And I know “The Why”, I simply have to rectify it now.)
What happened today was another spill over, it’s not the first time, but hopefully the last. Today is what happens when I constantly make myself a doormat and then get mad for someone walking all over me. And the thing about D, is that he has unknowingly shown me with his actions that I ain’t shit to him and he makes it sound as sweet as a baby’s coo. He definitely has a gift. Don’t get me wrong, the time I did get to spend with him was nice but I don’t know if he even cared to spend it. The last time we were together I would rub his hair and about six times that night he brushed it back as he had someplace to be after his stint with me. I felt like a check mark on his todo list. Ugh, I digress, once again, it’s not his fault, it’s not even mines…I did the best I could with what I was working with.
If I am to make it through this, I must remember:
Never sacrifice yourself for the well-being of another.
Do what you want to do, not what is expected of you.
Take no shit, expect the best and give your best.
Dont blame others for your setbacks, remember your power
No one is making you do anything, you have a choice
Do your best first by yourself then by others..if you want to
Never look back…ever.
I do wish I could take back all I said today but it still would of ended with me leaving. I never want to hurt anyone however I realize now that it’s collateral damage when you’re dealing with a woman who puts herself last. Eventually she will blow, every man should know that and I blew and it’s OK.
I closed the chapters on a few people today, including Ay. It’s time to start over and live my life without the baggage. Tomorrow begins today. Ashé.