I keep having this feeling that I’m competing for my very soul. I feel almost every single thing on this planet, even the seemingly innocent things such as our beliefs, keep our souls heavy. How can we advance after we die if our souls are heavy with the baggage we’ve accumulated during our time here?

I get tired sometimes, Lord knows I do. I want to tell folks, “Fuck you, go to hell.” But I know the same hell I condemn someone to I am at the same time condemning myself to. So I try to keep myself light. What I experience? I try to let it run through me but at times a bit of the “experience” sticks and I ask myself. “Why do we treat each other and ourselves with such contempt and disrespect? Can we not see the chain reaction? Can we not see that the hell we have inside of ourselves will eventually become the hell we ALL live in?”

When I first got back to Alabama most, actually all, of the men I would meet would talk about how they were abused and disrespected by the women in their lives. My heart went out to them, I can’t stand to see anyone suffer so I attempted to make things right at the cost of my own soul. The more I Loved them the toxic things would become until I could almost swear they hated me. It hurts you to your very soul and their pain can all but consume you and turn you into the very woman that another person might say about you, “She hurt me.”  This is how a woman who hurts is born.

When we are born, all we know is Love, we have to learn fear, we have to learn hate. The only human beings who seem to remember that throughout their entire lives are the ones with Down Syndrome. They Love, flawlessly. So I find myself struggling almost every day,

“God help me to remember myself in All.”
“God help me to let it all go and keep myself light.”
“God help us release the fear and pain and recognize the Love.”

…as you can see I’m living this life as if on a battle field. I want to say “Fuck it” and just live for myself and what I want, keeping EVERYBODY at a distance, but something about that just doesn’t feel right for me. When I keep to myself, the people around me begin to “act out”. And I know I can’t run, I am my brother’s keeper…and its the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever experienced…but does it have to be?