Over the course of 39 years, I have built a life of attracting people to please. I know where it all came from, however its time to destroy that narrative and be my own Peace and attract more caring people like myself
First to go had to be Tank. He is the most abusive and verbally violent man I have ever met and I stayed in a relationship with him for four years. #pause I stayed in that for four years. Wow. My excuse to myself is I felt sorry for him for being so f’d up however being in such an abusive place really has taken its toll on me and I’ve become just as f’d up but towards myself. I honestly am just at the bottom. I have never been in such a low place in my life until I decided to follow behind men who needed to be mothered, which left me unprotected while I devoted my life to adult boys.
I spent almost half of my life devoted to other people and not to myself. That was my own undoing and it stops now. I have let go and I am beginning again. The first obstacle I need to disintegrate is my need to deal with stress by eating. Im writing this this morning because when I would have breaks from working, I noticed I wring my hands constantly or twist in my hair. I know its simply nervous energy and in the quiet moments, you unconsciously assess your life and the nervous ticks keep my mind occupied to not go there. I think I will make writing my healthy outlet for my now worn and tattered nerves until Im fully healed.
Before I retired from my job, I had written about the day in my journal years prior. Today I write that finally I am the perfect size and weight. I am healthy and I have an over abundance of wealth and friends that are caring. I even have a great new man in my life that cares for me and I for him. Im so thankful I left that life of servitude behind. Im so thankful that now I am actually living. #Cheers
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