March 1st, 2023
Hey Sharron. I appreciate your candor – I am pulling away. I’m not ready. I thought I was. Hoped I was. Found a person in you that I have so much in common with, can enjoy on so many levels, but the minute it became something that approached a relationship, every hair I have stood on end. My focus went from enjoying what you have to offer and looking to deepen our connection to how can I get away and not disappoint you. I felt my old pattern start to set in – suppress my feelings, go with the flow, don’t let her down. I could, too. I could slip right into that and make your priorities mine, define myself in that and bottle up whatever it is in me that I want. My mother trained me to always put her above myself in all things – protect her feelings, her safety, her image. She’d reward me when I did it well. She’d make me feel terrible if I stepped out of line. You’re nothing like her, but the pattern she set remains. My instinct is still to protect your feelings and ignore mine. You’d be easy to do it with too because you are incredibly giving, you’re so easy to be around, and I know you wouldn’t take advantage. It doesn’t address my core, though – I’m still emotionally conditioned. Meeting you and you knowing what you want, what you’ll accept and being self aware showed me that I’m not. I’m not healthy. I can’t define what I want. I can’t connect with that person in me that I’m dying to meet. I’ve spent the last couple of years thinking about what went wrong in my marriage, how I was treated, what was unacceptable, what I want in my next relationship, yada yada. Those are all valid, and I did need to recognize what I allowed so that I can watch for it and not get caught up in anything like that again. That was important – but I’m realizing it was only half the work. You telling me you loved me was a wake up call – as I started processing it, I realized I can’t give you that. I have no foundation, no settled core that is me. There’s nothing I can attach that to that’s ready to build on. I’m not me. I don’t know what me is.

We talked about this in macro. You know what’s fucked up? Every instinct I have is screaming at me that this is not the way to approach this. It tells me to pretend everything is ok. Pretend that I’m solid. Act! Don’t under any circumstance tell any truths that may lead to hurt feelings or disappointment. Suppress this and it will make everything alright. Ignore! Don’t let anyone know that you’re an emotional wreck and have no idea what the fuck you’re doing. It’s insidious. I have too much respect for you and too much of a desire to be different than that to listen to that training. I’m not a victim. I have things I need to do before I can be who I want to be and to be able to meet someone like you on equal footing and be ready for a relationship. I’m sorry it took me a minute. I really had to look at things to figure out what I was feeling before I could tell you.

I have work to do. I’m going to start with pulling away from distractions. I’m going to close down social media. I’m going to write out what I do know and like we discussed, I’m going to get my body right. I know at the very least that I can’t address my mind while my body’s a wreck, so that’s step one. Step two is identifying all of the things I’ve procrastinated, and put them to bed. The easiest way to keep from moving forward is to be entangled with little things that “have to be done” but never quite get finished. They’re always there as an excuse to not move forward because “gotta do those first and then you can start.” Smh. Step three is to find a counselor and begin unraveling the things I don’t know how to address, and with them, put step 4 together which is setting goals and accomplishing them. I thought about deleting this last part, cause it doesn’t apply to us, but then I figured you’d want to know. Can’t have you wondering 😂

That’s how I deflect – humor. It’s how I cover up that I’m emotionally knotted. I’m good at it too. I’m sorry I can’t match your energy – I may not be in a position to accept excellence, but I can recognize it when I see it.

I’m absolutely your friend, Sharron. If something comes up and you need me, I’ll be there. If I need you and you’re amiable, I’ll call you, too. I’m going to start my journey tomorrow. I’m earmarking the entire day to putting my affairs in order and planning out my steps. Thank you for what you’ve given me. I’m sorry I’m not in a position to accept more.