Book Review: How to spot a b*stard by his star sign?

aight fellas i don’t wanna hear no crap, I’m usually politically correct but i can’t find one for the women but this was too funny to pass up…ya’ll know i eat, breathe and sh*t astrology

  • * Aries – Boy does he yearn for the times when men were men and women were grateful.
  • * Leo – A complete bloody nightmare
  • * Sagittarius – Past philosophers used a comforting tool: ‘I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius’.
  • * Taurus – A typically stubborn Taurean male always knows better than a female. Even when he doesn’t.
  • * Virgo – If you’re looking for a man that no other woman will ever want to steal, you’ve finally found him.
  • * Capricorn – The heart of a loan shark, the humour of an undertaker and the sensitivity of a tax auditor.
  • * Gemini – Gemini b*stards are completely and utterly mad.
  • * Libra – Life is getting more complex. The half-flush or the full-flush? The stress is unbelievable.
  • * Aquarius – He seems like any normal bloke. Don’t be fooled, the Aquarius is about as ‘normal’ as a pig with wings.
  • * Cancer – Used to sneak his mother’s Barbara Cartland novels when normal boys were shoplifting Hustler.
  • * Scorpio – A sneaky, nasty, controlling b*stard, a master manipulator and a world-class pervert.
  • * Pisces – Quite simply Pisces is a pathological liar.

English is his second language, grunting is his first. And all he can grunt about is himself, his career, his sporting achievements and how feminists would be a lot less uptight if he gave them a good shag. If the b*stard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening, whips up a nice little souffle a deux and then settles down to read Jane Austen to you, he’s almost certainly gay and he’s definitely not Aries.

His entrance will always be preceded with a drum roll. If you miss his entrance you’ll find him already strategically positioned under a spotlight. You can’t miss him there – not with the two game show hostesses on either side of him pointing him out. You might also notice The Hand Of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: women of the world, my gift to you. Regards, God. Do the deed on the third date. You’ll need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again and sex will shut him up nicely.

Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks, leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. Which is why when people say Sagittarius is a lucky b*stard, they’re dead right. the fact you haven’t murdered him yet is a miracle. Blessed with the smarts of a particularly backward brontosaurus and the sort of sexual appetite that even Caligula would deem excessive, the Sagittarian b*stard is compatible with very few women. Not because he’s fussy – he’s not. It’s just that most women prefer a man who thinks with his brain.

As the zodiac’s number one control freak, Taurus knows what’s good for you. Even though he patently isn’t. Paradoxically, when he’s not running – and therefore ruining – your life, the Taurean b*stard is busy being chronically lazy. His sloth-like ways do not bode well for what we will generously describe as your ‘sex-life’ with him. If you find yourself with a Taurus our only advice here is to make the most of your rapidly deteriorating mental health by raving like a maniac. That means he’ll be forced to stop doing likewise and be helpful for once by rushing round trying to find you a good psychiatrist.

Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Find out what Interpol has been trying to discover for years and date a Virgo b*stard. If you are currently in love with a Virgo and you don’t want to believe the truth, pick up any detective novel that features an ice-pick-wielding nutter and then try telling us he doesn’t remind you of someone you know and it’s all just a bunch of coincidences. If he looks vaguely familiar, that’s because he is. You probably saw an artist’s sketchy impression on Crimewatch the night before and faintly remember words like ‘bludgeoned’, ‘manhunt’ and ‘Virgo’.

Capricorn takes everything seriously. He is hard-working and ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family. He has no problem with the concept and implementation of commitment. He’ll even be faithful to you – although this can’t be guaranteed as he is a man. But there is a catch. Before whisking you off into the sunset, he has to check your credit rating. And no, he’s not joking. He never jokes about money, or anything else come to think of it.

A Gemini b*stard has many demons – a multitude of personalities living inside him, each of whom qualifies as a b*stard in his own right. Because Gemini lives amid this turmoil he will continually change his ideas and opinions. What he says today won’t mean anything tomorrow and it probably didn’t mean much today either. You could see this as a natural result of him having to deal with his conflicting personalities. Or you could see this as a result of him being a two-faced, two-timing, lying b*stard.

Charmingly boyish, well-dressed – with the nicely blow-dried hair and a vacant look on his face. Not much more than a large Ken doll with movable limbs, he’s only appealing to women still under the age of eight. Anyone older will see that he is plastic and empty, with a preference for unrealistically proportioned women. Because he is completely shallow, he lacks the depth required to make a decision or a commitment. The Libra b*stard will never make either.

Aquarius is the most reasonable b*stard you’ll ever encounter. In his mind every viewpoint gets a hearing, every belief system has some legitimacy. This, in turn, could lead you to think he is actually more morally superior and ethically sound than the rest of his male peers. Don’t be fooled. It makes him different from the other eleven b*stards, not better. Look in the little rubber boats that chase Japanese whaling ships or leaky oil tankers; there’ll be at least one half-drowned Aquarius on board. Find him attractive and he’ll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore him and he’ll be all over you.

Any boy should have the decency to look visibly embarrassed when Mummy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky laced with her own spit. When he’s thirty-eight. However we’re not talking about a grown man here, are we? We’re talking about Cancer. It doesn’t actually matter whether you are compatible with a Cancer b*stard. Getting on with him isn’t half as important as getting on with the woman who reared him. After all, she’s the one responsible for making him the fine figure of a man that he is definitely not today.

Any relationship of any length with a Scorpio b*stard is guaranteed to wreck your emotional health, your self-esteem or, at the very least, your enjoyment of life. Scorpio makes Darth Vader look like Mr Whippy. He’ll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. Say you flirt harmlessly with a work colleague of his at the office Christmas party. It won’t cross your mind that Scorpio is upset about it until one fine day three years later when he retaliates by sleeping with your maid of honour and your sister just hours before he marries you.

Because he’s at the arse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is often referred to as the astrological ‘rubbish tip’. What this means is he has a little bit of all b*stards in him, which therefore makes him a b*stard twelve times over. This in turn means he’s obliged to tell massive fibs so you won’t find out the awful truth. Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the sooner you’ll spot the yawning chasm between fact and ficton and faster you can drop him. Because to be honest, once the thrill of catching him out wears off, you’ll begin to resent being a full-time lie0detector on legs.

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