Against my better judgement I reached out to Ay tonight to find out the why…why’d he chose to leave without even letting me know? I received a tongue lashing so harsh I know I probably wont be the same ever again.

I know Tank was harsh, making fun of my weight calling me stupid but for someone to tell you that your presence affects them so adversely that it stunts their spiritual growth is harsh. Its like being slapped across the face. The same man that I had so many spiritual conversations with, the same man that told me how special and magical I was now thinks of me as Enemy #1. And as a programmer I know I am very exacting with my approach and for some it can be a bit much but to not only hear that but you might not be shit after all? OMG my heart. And I took it into myself, I did, Im open to him and if by any chance Im the evil person he makes me out to be then I dont need to be around people. I need to be isolated, cut out, why even live?

Lord, Tank didn’t even cut that deep, yeah my baby took all my damn money, didn’t visit me not once and then got tired of me asking questions about it but nothing cuts like this. Nothing. Especially when you hear you’re so great and they are so thankful to be in your presence one moment and then in a course of a few days to hear you’re really a threat? What did I do? What did I say? The fixer-upper wants to know so I can pull myself apart and dissect myself, split myself up so I can be “good”. I hate being here, I dont feel like this is my home, this world is so cruel. my soul is so tired and I try so hard to be right and to be good but maybe I have to try so hard because Im just bad. He talks about me stunting his spiritual growth but apart of me just died inside, I know it, I feel it.

He says I need to learn to just be, and here I am thinking Im such a free spirit able to fit in anywhere, go with the flow and now Im a brick wall, a barrier to communication. Lord when am I going to get right? Why did I have to ask him the why?